Oatmilk and Ordinary Faithfulness
Today would be different, I was sure of it. In harmony with my expectation, I ordered a cappuccino with oat milk rather than my usual blonde roast and settled into a chair for some reading, writing, and early-morning work.
I knew what I wanted to do, but my chest was not tight, my shoulders were not hunched. The day didn’t feel light, but it wasn’t heavy either.
The project that lay ahead often frustrates me, but today I expected that rather than resenting it. It’s work after all, not a comfortable cup of steaming cappuccino, but making real changes in the world.
It’s odd how the interplay between my head and my heart jumbles and obscures the truths I say I believe. For decades, work has been a means of provision, and though I was certain it was a tool given by God who is my real provider, I weighed it down with heart-meaning it was not able to carry.
Work was my protection, keeping me safe from judgment, securing my relationship with my wife and children, giving me a mask to hide behind that protected my real self from vulnerability. I was happy to talk about work, think about it, and write about it. If I was brilliant, effective, the smartest in the room, I was safe, secure in my work kingdom.
But my work shield began to fall apart as my drive to learn, work long hours, and adapt to massive market shifts began to wane. Learning, once an easy way to hold the world at bay, became a burden. Obligation rather than curiosity ruled the day.
Wishing my cappuccino was a bit stronger, I looked up from the notebook I’d been using to capture my thoughts. Oh well. I took an imperfect-but-delicious sip and looked out the plate glass windows to the Starbucks parking lot. This day will come. I will not wear work as armor, but see it as a means to a larger end. I won’t expect myself to feel anything about it. Rather I will expect myself to do the work, simply because it needs to be done. I’ll build what is necessary, I’ll be present and supportive.
One more sip of coffee. It’s time to show up and be faithful.
